I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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