when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
