The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
