someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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