Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
