did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
