and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
