dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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