i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
