cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
