I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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