im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
