She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
