bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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