He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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