YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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