I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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