At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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