: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
