I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
