So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
