I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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