I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
