woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
