Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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