Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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