Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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