I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
