i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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