I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
