Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I deserve this hangover.
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