i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
