I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
