Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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