officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
