meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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