i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
