$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
