I faked an abortion last night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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