i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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