are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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