i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize