my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
