Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
