she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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