do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
