so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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