Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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