i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
