Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
