After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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