You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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