Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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