So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize