saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
