I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Mom said you looked used
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
