I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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